Sunday, October 30, 2005

It's not me, it's you

This weekend, I had a conversation with C, a girl from school I know peripherally. We've never been friends - we were in the same section and have had some classes together since, but she's always struck me as slightly off and not someone I want to be around. (I try really hard to keep the crazies as far away as possible these days. I figure my profession is crazy enough.) Anyway, she is dating an international LLM who is apparently crazy about her and wants to move back to his native Mediterranean land and bring her with him. He also wants her to stay home, make his home beautiful, and enjoy herself while he goes to work. She told me that she appreciates that, but that she has loans and is uncomfortable with the idea of her boyfriend or husband or whatever paying them all back for her, despite the fact that he has offered.

I find it entirely disturbing that I found myself instantly jealous of her. I went to law school in the first place because I wanted to make sure that I never had to rely on my own husband for my financial well-being. I was always told by my divorced and bitter mother to keep a few months' living expenses in a numbered account that my future husband would never know about, and becoming a lawyer seemed like a great way to make that happen. At this point in my legal "career," however, I would happily accept an offer like C was given. If I have to be an indentured servant, better I should be able to play with children and get expensive spa treatments than get barked at by megalomaniacs every day.

One of the first signs of insanity is thinking that your world is crazy and only you are sane. But on this one, I really think I'm right. The entire legal world is so totally fucked up that I am pretty much at a loss to decide what the hell I want to do after law school. Sometimes I think I just want to drop out of it entirely and do the kind of shit I could've done out of college with my cute little BA in English Lit. But it's not because I can't hack it - I can. It's because I'm not that crazy, and honestly, I'm pretty much over the idea that I should aspire to be crazier.

So, uh, I'm accepting applications if anyone wants to bankroll my lifestyle while I get my nails done.

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