Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Check please

Spring has sprung: I returned from my vacation to find the trees on my block in beautiful bloom. This can mean only one thing: finals are here and it's too pretty out to study. But this time, it also means that graduation is just around the corner. Unlike many fellow students, I have not experienced a single sentimental feeling or a longing to have school continue to postpone the real world. Au contraire, I anticipate the real world with joy and relief. There are finals and that pesty bar exam to contend with, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Predominantly, I am eagerly anticipating the day when I no longer have to affiliate myself with my law school. There is little love lost between me and the faculty of my school, and even less between me and the administration. I won't be sorry to walk out of those doors for the last time in June. Of course, that won't be the end of our dealings, but I can tell you this: as long as I live and breathe, that school will not see a dime from me. They will have to pry my last pennies out of my cold, dead hands if they want to see their alumni participation from the class of 2006 reach 100%. I am perfectly content to make it my lifelong mission to withhold any money I may someday make from them. In fact, I will send them the cancelled checks I may send my undergraduate institution. And my high school. And my synagogue. And the 4H Club. My law school is for sure dead last on the list of people who will ever see a charitable donation with my name on it.

I look forward to the day a hapless student caller, trying to earn a little money from the Alumni Fund for, perhaps, spring break, telephones me at my home asking for a donation. I will be polite, but firm: no, thank you for calling, I'm afraid I'm not interested. They will press me, as they are trained to do. I will remain steadfast and issue the words student callers dread: Place a no-call order in my file. I may use the phrase "cold dead hands" for effect, so the student caller will write the word "PSYCHO!" in big letters, thus dissuading future callers from bothering me.

Maybe I am psycho, and maybe my bitterness will subside at such time as I become gainfully employed. But I must say that I doubt it. I'm twelve years out of junior high school (literally half a lifetime for me) and I'm in no rush to send them a fat check either. I do believe that one day I will be a successful lawyer. I also believe that the only person or entity who will be able to take any credit for that whatsoever is myself. Thus, I totally deserved the sweet sandals I bought myself while I was on vacation.

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