Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Gobble gobble

I love Thanksgiving.

As a non-Christmas observer, or shape shifter, or however you want to put it - basically, a Jew - I always felt left out of the hullaballoo surrounding Christmas. The TV ads showing adorable blonde children unwrapping gifts under a beautiful pine tree always made me jealous, they got to bring a nice-smelling tree into the house, why couldn't I? Only many years later did I grow to appreciate the many more holidays my religion has and the fun and interesting ways they are celebrated. Let's face it, Judaism's got a lot going for it but in terms of sharing in the national holiday season spirit, we are left out in the cold (but at least we're not left out in the cold singing songs about Jesus).

But Thanksgiving is another story. Thanksgiving is an American holiday, and it's one that my family has always gotten really into. We go a little nuts for it and it's the best. It's nice to have people wish me a happy Thanksgiving and I don't have to wish them something stupid like "happy holidays" or whatever. I love joining in the national celebration, it makes me feel so American to stand in line at Macys with everybody else trying to find a gravy boat that is not hideous or shaped like a turkey (weird).

And given the whole bar thing, I've got a lot to be thankful for. So happy Turkey Day everyone!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Catch a tiger by the toe

Okay, so I got my MBE score in the mail (along with the official sheet of paper saying I passed, so now I can stop worrying about that). And, well, I did a little better than expected. Just goes to show you that they don't lie to you in nursery school: eeny, meeny, miney, mo really works.

I know I can't say that without telling, so here it is: raw score: 137. Not fucking bad, if I do say so myself. Scaled score: 147.4, meaning that the scale wasn't even as huge as I anticipated it would be. If anyone wants to post their score differential in the comments (anonymously of course), I'd be interested.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Great success! High five!

I passed! I don't have to commit hara kiri under my desk!! Whew. More on that later.

UPDATE
Would I appreciate this feeling quite as much if the test hadn't been so impossible? I don't know, and at this point, I don't really care. I'm so happy that it's hard to try to impose restrictions or qualifiers on my happiness. I had truly convinced myself that I had failed (see below) and so it is really a great feeling to know that I didn't. I recommend it. I can't even wish that people I don't like failed (we-e-eelll...except maybe one or two, readers who've been with me for a long time may remember the now deleted Bride of Chuckie post).

Overall, I am thrilled that I don't have to stay in a temp job forever, and also thrilled that I don't ever have to go through that miserable, lonely, expensive, and boring hell again. I hope that all of you who took the bar, or will take the bar, get to experience the same feeling too.

Additionally I am waiting for my MBE scores anxiously...not because they really matter, although I would like to waive into DC, but more because I am truly curious about the spread between the raw score and the scaled. I imagine it will be huge.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Live blogging the last work afternoon in the dark

2:30 This is insufferable, I need to go home

2:32 Cookies would probably help

2:36 Maybe sour cream and onion Ruffles would help too. Do I get the 99 cent bag or the 50 cent bag?

2:37 99 cent. Definitely

2:38 They don't have my damn cookies! May as well go for the chocolate delight chocolate chunk kind.

2:39 Maybe if I ask for my receipt, the guy will think I'm buying snacks for the whole group

2:40 He just smiled patronizingly and said, "Enjooooooooy!" Oh well

2:43 Back at my desk, hid the cookies in a drawer and about to dive into the SC & O

2:47 That was good. But I think a cookie would probably be a good idea too

2:48 These cookies are a little dry, maybe I should be dunking them in coffee

2:55 My stomach hurts. Again

2:56 Should probably work

3:09 found hilarious typo: "you have duly qualified" reads instead "you have dully qualified." Hehehehehehhe

3:14 Achoo! Great, I am making myself sick with stress

3:17 People keep emailing me asking my advice on things. Ha - good luck with that!

3:24 I kind of want to vomit

3:28 This eye twitch is really getting old

3:29 I can't believe this will really be over in less than 24 hours

3:38 Jerk friend of mine IMs to say, "THEIR OUT!!!!" I know he is lying b/c I just checked. And I corrected him on his incorrect usage of the word "they're"

3:49 Is it stupid if I look at last year's bar exam results and see people I know are dumber than me who passed?

3:55 Yes. That was stupid. Just b/c ____ passed doesn't mean I will. Now I will feel even dumber if I don't. If that is even possible.

3:56 But hey there's only an hour before I can leave! Maybe that wasn't such a bad usage of my time after all.

3:57 Same friend offers to "photocopy his junk" and mail it to me for the low, low price of $.64, the cost of a stamp and a photocopy. Who the hell am I friends with?

4:08 3 people w/my last name passed last year. Pretty good.

4:15 Is anyone going to enjoy reading this? I'm getting on my own nerves at this point.

4:39 This is the slowest fucking day EVER!!!

4:54 I AM OUTTA HERE!

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Insanity ensues

In furtherance of my goal of crying at work, I checked the NY bar exam website every single day last week until Thursday, when I saw the words I dreaded scrolling across the bottom: "The July 2006 bar exam results will be available here for candidate lookup on Tuesday November 14 at 9AM . . . The general passing list will be available on Thursday November 16 at 9AM . . . "

I nearly puked on my keyboard. Instead, I made an effort to compose myself and commenced the long and arduous process of waiting without indulging myself in the nervous breakdown that has bubbled not so far below the surface ever since.

I offer for your consideration an email exchange from last Thursday with W, a friend since first year:

Me: Oh help, they just posted that the bar results are coming out on Tuesday. Tell me everything will be okay??

W: yeah, I just vomited in my urine. [My boss] sent out an e-mail telling every new attorney...there goes any work for five days. I think of it as that I have failed and passing will be a pleasant surprise. Is it my fault that I don't know common law arson...hmmm! is it!

Me: On the upside, I will def lose 5 lbs like I wanted to, since the only thing my stomach is accepting lately is mint tea. I have also developed an eye twitch, is it me or did I used to handle pressure better?
I still like you even though you don't know common law arson.

W: eye twitch...i remember vividly when it first occured, end of fall semester, 1st year. Then 3rd year, then bar. My stomach has become liquid.. I think I need a diaper. This is shitty pressure because you can't do anything to change the outcome. If I fail, I'm quitting, I don't want to be a lawyer badly enough to take that test again. I will enlist, go to Iraq and chill the fuck out.

Me: Enlisting is actually the perfect solution...can they find me in Iraq to extradite me for my student loans? What if I move to a kibbutz and change my name, Malka or something, they can't get me right? I also don't want to take it again. I'd rather be named Malka than do it again and that is really saying something!!

W: by driving trucks in Iraq , all my pay would go to loans so if i do make it back I can begin anew...maybe I will become a law school psychologist

Me: Do you have the day off tomorrow? [Mutual friend] was just bragging about that to me. I should sort of just give up and go home today, I can't think, I am upset and no one understands, they keep saying, "What, there's nothing you can do! Relax!" RELAX? RELAX? RELAX???!>!>!?!?!?!?

Being a law school psychologist is a good idea, except then you have to hang out in a law school

W: yeah I have off tomorrow, but I hacve a ton of stuff to do so it doesn't mean I won't come in. You can't do anything, they are right, just put it out of your head....look at myspace or write a poem or go on a shooting spree...just do something

Me: How about binge drinking?

W: I'm not nervous...I'm very uncomfortable...and when I get uncomfortable I do stupid things like look at [ex girlfriend]'s myspace and friendster pages....I have been so good. Fucking BAr exam!

Me: I understand, shit like this sets you back. I myself want to curl up in the fetal position and cry for hours until someone picks me up and pats my back, but I'll settle for drinking some whiskey later, and then maybe vomiting.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Pumpkin

This is kind of sad, but some of you may remember a post from quite awhile back where I expressed jealousy that a girl I knew from school, C, had landed herself a rich boyfriend who whisked her off, fairy tale style, offering to support her and indulge her every whim. I was jealous because I wanted someone to make my obligations disappear, to take my problems in hand and wave that wand and just dismiss them. It seemed like she was living the dream and it was a huge thorn in my side.

This morning I was on my way to the office when I spotted a familiar face from across the street. There was C, listening to her iPod, wearing business clothes in midtown Manhattan. What the fuck? I thought she was in a sunny foreign land, getting manicures and blowouts, and working part-time for an art gallery or something. But no. Turns out the dream went south and the prince dumped her for no apparent reason while she was studying for the bar exam. With no job, no place to live, and a huge bill from BarBri's home study program.

Maybe self-sufficiency is, in fact, the better route.

Monday, November 06, 2006

On stress

In a German class I took in college, my professor told us a story that has stayed with me, even as 95% of the German I learned has disappeared. She attended her five-year-old niece's birthday party in Cologne, a large affair in her sister's backyard complete with clowns, cakes, gifts, a pink theme, etc., everything a little girl could want. At the end of the party, my professor asked her niece, "Did you have a good time at your party?"

"Ja," the little girl replied seriously, "aber es war so stressig!"*

I have been stressed before. I didn't handle law school very well, and I didn't handle studying for the bar terribly well either. But this has got to be a record. Never before, for example, have I had an eye twitch. It is really that bad. And it's not just waiting for the bar, although that's definitely the major thing on my list. There's a few other choice scenarios to stress me out, like:

- Thanksgiving (which I am preparing), when my mother will meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time
- Anytime I speak to my mother
- My continuing health insurance debacle, thanks to the diligent efforts of my father, who is too busy to get in touch with the appropriate people, but not too busy to buy a Lexus or go on a cruise to Aruba
- Etc., etc., etc.

The upshot is that I am enmeshed in all these situations I cannot control, and there's nothing for me to lean on anymore. In college, I would have dealt with (and did deal with) similar issues by getting shitfaced and vomiting my problems away. I'm a little too old for that now and so I have really had to try to find more efficient means of dealing with what ails me. I do very much enjoy cooking as stress relief, but I'm not sure that will cut it. The Borat movie helped (go see it), and Netflix isn't bad either, a little escapism can be a good thing. I mean honestly, whoever decided denial is unhealthy had it totally backwards. Too much talking about and analyzing turns you into an obsessive freak who loses the forest for the trees...I think that pretending like you don't have any problems when you do is far and away the best coping mechanism out there. Plus it's a lot less likely to drive your friends away, unless they are your Internet friends, in which case they are more likely to continue to read your blog. I have noticed that when I'm in a good mood and post accordingly, nobody comments. So to everyone who reads this, and please know that I love it that you do, be prepared for the next couple of weeks to be full of bitching, complaining, and the written equivalent of about three eye twitches per minute. I hope you enjoy it because I sure as hell am not! (Well, I enjoy writing about it, but I'm wound so tightly right now that I threatened to call the Better Business Bureau on no fewer than three companies last week. No joke, but I do love my new Moto Razr!)


*"Yes, but it was so stressful!"
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